So. He told me that he felt like the Kiss of Death sometimes, because every job he's ever had he's been on staff to close down the company, whether it be a school or a store. I thought this was interesting, and being an English major that pays close attention to metaphors and symbolism as well as a Catholic, who thinks everything happens for a reason, thought that his position in his jobs also served a purpose in his life. I don't think he ever thought about it like that.
I could not let go of the idea. I thought, well, what is it about closing something down? It's the final, permanence of something. There is the taking everything down and boxing up and giving back to the merchandisers, the goodbyes to the patrons, customers and co-workers. There is this process of letting go. There is no "ifs" "and" or "buts" about it. It is a final decision from corporate or the head of the company. The employee must go along with this decision and go through the closing process. I think this is a strong visual. The closing of a store. The signs that read, "5 more Days til' Close" or "Everything Must Go".
I then thought, I think these positions were given to my friend as a learning process. God gave him this job at this point, to show him the process of letting go. I think this assumption is accurate because my friend seems to have a very hard time of letting go. I don't think he realizes that God is trying to show him how to let go. But he is. He is showing him how you let go both in a physical and mental sense.
I do not know what has happened in my friend's life that he cannot let go of past pains and hurts. But I really wish he would because I know those memories hurt him.
I wrote this blog thinking I would delve deeper into some kind of truth but I already knew this answer. God knows whats best for us. We just have to make ourselves more aware of what he is doing for us, rather than spending our thoughts or energy on negativity.
I know I can probably do that more as well.
As for my friend. I really hope that all that hurts him, he will soon let go of. I hate to see people I care about hurt.

Until later,
Madam @ Blogspot

Loyalty.
I've been thinking a lot about it lately.
What is it really? Yes, meaning that you stand by someone, but to what degree? To what extend? This is something that I am currently trying to weigh out. Some, are a no-brainer, yes. Like for instance: when you promise someone exclusivity and then you sleep with another person and don't tell. Easy right? That's disloyalty.
Now, how about something a little more complex? You and a friend decide on two places that you really want to go in the city, and have not been able to in a long time. You get caught up because of family issues and your friend still goes... with all your other friends.
Now, mind you, this is my best friend, and I have her back on almost everything. I say almost because some situations she gets herself involved in, I cannot have her back on.
To top it off, the previous day she had decided she did not want to go because she was sad about an old friend passing. I understood. No questions asked. This situation may not seem like much, but my feeling were hurt that they went without me and did not even question to see if I was available yet.
Bottom line, this past events have me questioning loyalty. I know that I am loyal. I will be there for those I care about as much as possible. I would miss work, school and deadlines if my friends were in dire need. I would also be there just if they needed an ear.
Is it so much to ask for the same thing in return?
I really don't think so.
A friend told me not to let it hurt me so much. But I cannot help it. I don't like let people slack on the expectations I have for them... because I hold myself to those same expectations.
I don't know. I might be being a little bit dramatic or sensitive with my best friend.
However, loyalty is something that I do not take lightly.
So, here's to not being so hard on others that do not share the same sense of loyalty as me.
And here's to questioning others motives and to what degree of loyalty they are going to have for me. I wonder of their answer (if it is honest) will affect how loyal I am to them....
I'll come back with some answers later....
I hate revising or editng. Sorry, I'm being extra lazy today.

Madam@Blogspot

I have been absent to my blog.
I have been absent for a while.
I am back now, through the grace of God.
I am currently trying to focus on what is truly important in my life.
One of the things that I want to begin to hold on the top of my list of priorities is my writing and reading.
I want to continually write and try to improve my writing over the course of the summer.
I think it is essential to my progression as a writer. I intend on writing in my journal and here, on my blog, also possibly maybe, on napkins, envelopes and on my computer notepad. lol
I want to read a few different books that I have been wanting to get my hands on for a while now.
In no particular order:
The Art of War
100 years of Solitude (and more by this author)
Borderlands
The Notes of The Underground
some of the poets and writers from the Lost Generation
The Great Gatsby
The Sun Also Rises
On the Road
The Kama Sutra
some of Rumi's works
La Raza Cosmica
more stuff by Edward Said...
and that's the list for now.
I've probably left some other major ones out, but those are the ones off the top of my head.
I really want to focus on the important things in my life.
The only thing that alcohol has done for me since I was 17 years old has been to lessen my judgment on situations and sense of logic, kept me in bed for hours with headaches, more calories, wasted time, some regrets.
I want to focus on something higher than where I have been.
I feel like I am actually letting this change happen, this metamorphosis, and I'm excited.
In regards to a "relationship" well of course, what I forecast would happen did happen. But, I'm not as hurt as I thought I would be.
I would do it again, because I came out of the situation very much enlightened, with my help and actually some of his. And for that I am extremely happy and grateful.
I also need to get a job within the next week. Godwillingly, somewhere fun for me and also good for my career/future.

Until later,

Madam @ Blogspot

It's not about if you like the same drink concoctions
or if you enjoy the same song
or if you eyes get entranced when you talk.
It's not even about if you both dig the same lines of poetry.
It's about whether you both believe in seeking truth.
In the power of love and compassion.
And the progression of the human race.
It's about if you share the same inner beliefs. Materialistic ideals aside. Sociological constraints aside. If you and him share the same morals and virtues and love for your family and your friends.
Then, you are truly GOLDEN.

I feel like , overall, I have been every man/boy/dudes Saving Grace that I have encountered in my romantic life. For once in my life I would love to know what if feels like to be the one who is being "saved". To be the one who is held at night and kissed on the back of the neck. For his arms to wrap around me, instead of it being the other way around. I would like this, even if it's just for a little while. I'm not asking for a man to come and swoop me up and baby me. It would just be nice though, for a man to have enough security and confidence that is deep enough to show me that he can hold it down, emotionally. That ability goes so much deeper than any financial wealth or good appearance a man could possess. So yeah, hold me at night and kiss my neck, whisper in my ear carinos and do not be afraid to do so. Hold me and tell me that you got my back... no matter what. Cause' I got yours. <3

I would turn my insides out just so I can show you what I'm about.

Having a child shouldn't make you a woman...

This theme is far too common in my city. I want to change that.

"Far too many woman can say they're mothers, and can't say they're are wives."

Lord, please help me to change this one day, starting here.

"Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head.
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that."