July 31st, 2010

And I can't even remember how I like to format this blog anymore, looking back it hasn't been too long since I've wrote... but it sure feels like it!
I'm so happy, cuz for the longest time I could not remember my password that I had made up for this damn blog!! lol
Finally, at 3:40 in the morning it snapped! And I was like, hell yeah!" haha
So... now I am super excited to be "blogging" again. However, now I do not know where I should begin...
Summer is almost over, and oh how I wish I could have written all about it. Oh well, I guess things happen for a reason. I feel like I learned a lot, about more mature shit. Which isn't really my goal in the summer... haha. I like shallow ideas and situations in the summer. But hey, you get what you ask for right? I read an author's opinion on blogging the other day, and they were completely annoyed that nowadays just anyone can get on a computer and "blog" and rat about anything under the sun, without regard for grammar or diction. So, I'm going to try and pay attention to how and what I am writing more....
Tomorrow is my Tia's 92 birthday, talk about spending time with family. Her birthday always feels like it closes up my summer...
I don't want summer to end yet. I'm not ready for the end.. so I'm not going to think about that yet.
I'm starting Incarnate Word this fall. I already registered for my classes. Onto another chapter in my life. I want to take university even more seriously than I did community college. I wanna throw my all into it. I hope I don't lose any friends over this. But if I do, well then, they are good support anyway. ;)
I'm nervous. But I know all my hard work will be paying off soon... I want to study abroad.
I thank God for giving me so many opportunities and I'd like to pat myself on the back a lil' bit for accepting and seizing them.
So, sorry to tell you Blogspot, but I am going to use and ABUSE the hell out of you
(Hopefully daily!) until school and work starts back up. hehe
I guess I'll leave you with this very personal poem. Cuz you're a good ear. :)
...

I can’t lay here and let you whisper in my ear these sweet nothings

I can’t stand to feel your breath against my neck when you sleep

I can’t stand when I put my foot in between your legs so I can feel you next to me

I can’t let my fingertips run across your palms over and over again

Tracing out the thoughts in my head that I wish to tell you

I can’t stand the smell of your Burberry cologne on my clothes the next day,

so similar to the smell of raw wood… that strangely drives me a lil’ mad and sad all at once

I can’t stand the way we lay

…Side by side

As if I was really yours and you were really mine.

Madam @ Blogspot

"It says this love isn't good unless... it's me and you."
I always thought it said, "This love isn't gonna last."

That sums up my perception on all my past relationships.
It doesn't hurt anymore like it use to though, it's just how things were
... and then how I perceived them.
Es la vida verdad?


I'm ready to get a job where I can be myself for the summer and bank it.
I wanna get at least two of the tats that I want this summer and I want my nose pierced (for the
3rd time..) haha
but this time there will be a hoop.

Love you Blogspot.

-Madam @ Blogspot.

This "Intervention" show breaks my heart.
"You turned to the things that killed your blood, your family."
it really breaks my heart.
It hurts to see the people and the families affected by the people that are addicted to these drugs.
This couple already lost two kids before either one turned 30.
Their last child is doing all the drugs that killed his brother and sister.
And you can see how it kills them (his parents) every day.
Mentally. Spiritually. Emotionally. and I'm sure physically.
It must be horrible to tell your own children that you can't believe them because they're always lieing too much, or having to hide your valuables, or knowing they have to constantly check them for markings and make sure they didn't kill themselves.
I'm sure it hurts to be the one addicted. (and I can only imagine)
But can you imagine being the parent to that child?
Whatever their age.
I can only imagine. How it must hurt, because you want to fight your child's battles and hold them and take care of them and not let anything hurt them.
Especially themselves.
But you can't.
The best kind of love in situations like that is just the opposite.
You gotta give that tough love, show them responsibility, show them love yes, but show them they have to be strong.
Because that's the only way they are going to survive and persevere...
is by becoming stronger and making them realize that they really can solve their own problems.
And things do get better. And yes, even they can do this.
...
I think I just realized that I want to work in a rehab at some point in my life...
like seriously.
Good night Blogspot.
You a good friend.
-Madam @ Blogspot

So lately I've been feeling quite womanly.
I feel like I am really getting in touch with myself again.
I don't wanna get all mo on ya an stuff tho'. haha
I've been hanging around with my girlies and trying to learn and understand from the experienced women in my life and talking about more complex issues and ideas.
Today in mass Father talked about Love.
He talked about commitment, sacrifice and fidelity.
He talked about loving one another like God loves us.
I think this message hit me pretty well.
In all aspects of my life, not just the obvious one.
I really wanna baptize my Goddaughter/2nd cousin already.
Yup, she's 4 years old and still not baptized. But what sucks is her father is a nonpracticing Christian... and yet he still doesn't want her to be baptized in the Catholic church.
I'm hoping he'll come around.
Whether or not you believe in Original Sin she could still be baptized with the idea of knowing you are willing give your daughter and her life to God and his teachings and that you accept him as her savior.
Anyways, I've been feeling good lately.
Although, the past recent relationship I have had really has hurt me and is still bothering me.
I know it's because I have not gotten closure.
I am kind of controlling, so I NEED closure.
And I want to apologize (even though I didn't do shit wrong)
haha
Because I need to ask for forgiveness and then I can start forgiving him for being a complete
jackass motherfucker.
You know... he's more willing to fight and argue the fact that he's slutty "friend" is not a slut.
lol
Instead of willing to fight for us.
What kind of shit is that?
That cut me deep.
He's willing to fight for her and her reputation in my eyes (like I really give a fuck to know this girl's true character.... I don't.) but yet not for me and our so called "love"
that we once shared.
He's changed.
And I feel like I'm changing again...
I pray to God it will be for the better.
This week my goal is TO BE NICER to others
and not so sarcastic and uhhhh cold.
I can't help it. I'm only joking!!! lol
But I will try.
Ohhh and I'm nervous about Wednesday... Michelle knows why. haha
Goodnight.
-Madam @ Blogspot

So it's been almost 7 weeks since my last post. (If I did my math right... which I prolly didn't)
and so much has happen since I've last wrote... it could prolly fill the events of the next year to come.
But I'd rather not talk about what has happen er what could have happen.
I read my astrology today when I was kinda stressin' on all I have to do for the next week. Surprisingly, I got some kind of spiritual comfort. The horoscope said that I shouldn't fret on the past er the future but just focus on what's goin on now. It said by doing this I could focus on and tackle any obstacles in my way.
I wanna list some things I am grateful for. I think it would be nice practice.
So here goes:
I am thankful for my best friend Mich and her life, I am thankful for my really fun and crazy job, I am grateful for getting re accepted to Incarnate Word, (haha) thanks Mr.Lara! I am grateful for being (pretty) good on my finances. I am grateful for God and my guardian angels always watching out for me. I'm thankful for forgiving and being forgiven. I am grateful for my girlfriends and independent women surrounding me. I am grateful for education and progression and goin' to a school that overall promotes this kind of growth. I am very grateful that my dance teacher is a down-to-earth strong dancer and woman (and not a snob)... :D
So I guess one thing that I would like to share that has happened in my personal life is... me and the boyfriend that i had (officially) since Dec.2008 have broken up. Yup...
I still don't know what to think about it. It's still a mess in my head and I'm sure if I tried to write it out I'd probably turn this blog into a mess as well.
I know I need to pray on it.
I really do.
My ex has been pulling so many stunts. And I am (obviously) a very vocal person... so imagine how I've been trying to bite my tongue... but shit! It's about to fall off!
So there ya go. It's over with.


In other news I know that I need to keep pushing myself forward academically.
I have been kind just floating along (is the best way I can describe it) with all the little and big events going on in the past couple weeks. But I definitely needa get back on track.
Academics, I just needa finish strong and focus on this last week of school as if my life depended on it.
At home I need to be here more, mentally and physically. I needa do some shit around the house
In my own head and personal personal ass life I really need to have some self love and rejuvenation and shit. I wanna run more and be more physical. But really. Really in truly. I wanna write. I wanna write a poem that will leave my fingertips like the last bullet of a gun. I wanna write a poem like they were the last words spoken of a dying wise soul. I poem that is timeless. Without an end. Without a beginning. It just is. It is me boiled over until there is no more. No liquid not even vapor. Because it will all be written right there. A release of myself.
I really want to. If I could do anything. I would write. Write until I felt the stars dripping out of my pen and exhaustion and no more frustrations pressing in on me.
That's how I wanna write.
But until then, I'm gonna being writing to do lists, wishes, upsets and my many upon many thanks.
Good night Blogspot.
It's time I go back to reality. lol
P.S. My fav author was at my school today. I didn't get to see her but it's all good.
I already saw her, got an autograph, and got completely tongue twisted in front of her @ Trinity Univ. about 5 years ago. haha
Good times.
I forgot how much I miss rambling on. Thank you.
-Madam @ Blogspot

EVERY RICH BITCH IS THERE...








Man, I wanna be a mum like these two ladies with my best friend. haha
ITS GONNA BE GREAT!

Your astrology:

Cut away your ego. Those are steps 1 through 10. Then, clear our heart and your mind.
Practice this over and over. (Very important!) After that, realize where you are.
Be there. (Not the past, or the future, but be happy in your current place in life)
Appreciate it. And finally,also very important, cut away all the ghosts from the past.



Isn't that sweet. Follow it.

Not my wise words, but wise words from an older keener spirit.

Good early... early morning.
No time to write, but of course I have things on my mind. haha
So instead of leaving you with my own thoughts this fine morning I'd rather leave you with some thoughts and poetic words of another. This woman is awesome.
La Bruja:




P.S. God be with you, and may he whisper (or yell.... you know you need it) into your ears.

Wherever you are. <3