"Tell me a story, even if it's a lie."

Note to self: Don't Blog about it. Be about it.

P.S. I miss you Destiny Antoinette Saenz, wherever you are.... even though the only place you belong is in heaven. <3

Fell in love with these words when I heard them because they are truth.

"I know that trick.
you're just smelling for smoke.
so you can follow the trail back to a burning house,
so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire,
to see if you can save him.
Or worse,
find the boy who lit the fire in the first place,
to see if you can change him."

-Sarah Kay

Ohhhh sigh, it's like a universal truth for women like me. haha

I'm excited because I'm going to a Spoken Word event Friday, first time in over a year. :)

I want to feel pretty and good about my body again (like I did in the picture above).
I don't want it for any other reason than for myself.
I know in order for this to happen I have to stick to a workout regime and drink less. Haha.
I'm not big on fried or greasy foods really, except Mexican food. ;(
But I'm willing to sacrifice. Lol
Either way, I know what I want... and usually once I fully realize it I do everything in my power to get it. I'm not trying to boast, it's just the truth.
I also know that I need to work extra hard to see results a bit quicker... because knowing me, if I don't see results quickly, then I will get disappointed. I'm not going on some crazy diet because I'll just give up... I just want to eat and be healthy again. When this picture was taken I was in Ballet and snacking on carrots. Even though I can't be in a legit dance class I need to do something active... and snack on carrots again. Lol
Well, here I state to myself and to you Blogspot: I am almost 22 years old and I'll be damned if I go another three months of feeling unhealthy!
Love. Love. Love.
Madam @ Blogspot

One day I hope that my dreams and my reality will crash into each other… and it will be terribly wonderful mess.

So , it's a month before my 22nd birthday and also a month before my Finals.
AND... it's about two months from when I depart the SATX airport for New York, New York!!! I'm stoked. About ALL these things.
I wanna have a costume party for my birthday, but I want to pick a theme that both guys and girls will have fun dressing up to.... because I know my friends... the guys will want to dress up just as much as the ladies.
This is my second time to New York in the past year and a half and the fourth time overall. haha
But, it being New York... I never go to the same place twice. And since I'm going to be of legal age to drink this time around it's gonna be twice as sweet. ;)
I'm gonna post places I want to visit while I'm there. I might even stay in a hostel there.
"Chelsea Spot"
All I know is I'm forrsure going to 5 Points this time around. For all those in San Antonio... it's like the "Pepsi Wall" amplified by... ALOT. Lol

-Madam @ Blogspot

Fuck a nanny. When I have kids, I want my babies to have a Curandera teaching them the ways of the world, how to feed their souls, and about the good vibrations that come off of good people... all while their mommy is at work. That is all.

-Madam @ Blogspot

I shine

if you shine. <3>

Gimme

A dude with kinda light, kinda not, skin, like coffee with too much milk in it.
Dark hair, dark dark sad eyes and beautiful lips. Man I have a thing for these men.... damnit!
You know like, Keanu Reeves, Marlon Brando, Slug from Atmosphere, Benicio del Toro ( a little dark... but that's okay) ;D The list goes on: Gael Garcia Bernal, or maybe even Matthew Fox (the guy that plays Jack in the show Lost.) All of these men I think can fit into a certain category, at least for me. hah. I think they're all soooo sexy. <3
I can't even just pick one. haha

MASTER CLEANSE DIET: DAY ONE

Alright so, I am beginning this Master Cleanse Diet today (yes at 5:39 pm) haha My goal is to do it for at least 10 days... ideally 14 though. I'm excited but nervous as well. I know that in order for me to be successful I need to train my mind to do this shit. I am also gonna blog about it on here, as some more support. I told myself if I feel weak I'm going to sing a song or go for a walk or something to change my mind. I also keep telling myself... okay, so what is 10-14 days of your life Carol? Seriously. Oh, and I think the best part is Michelle, my best friend is doing it with me too! :D So I think together we can do this. I think I'm gonna go mix my first drink in the next ten minutes! Aye! Here we being. I think I'm gonna meditate on this as well today so I can get my mind ready and focused! Wish me luck!!!!

Madam @ Blogspot.

Summer I am going to miss you, for you are my mistress.
I want to continue our affair.
<3

July 31st, 2010

And I can't even remember how I like to format this blog anymore, looking back it hasn't been too long since I've wrote... but it sure feels like it!
I'm so happy, cuz for the longest time I could not remember my password that I had made up for this damn blog!! lol
Finally, at 3:40 in the morning it snapped! And I was like, hell yeah!" haha
So... now I am super excited to be "blogging" again. However, now I do not know where I should begin...
Summer is almost over, and oh how I wish I could have written all about it. Oh well, I guess things happen for a reason. I feel like I learned a lot, about more mature shit. Which isn't really my goal in the summer... haha. I like shallow ideas and situations in the summer. But hey, you get what you ask for right? I read an author's opinion on blogging the other day, and they were completely annoyed that nowadays just anyone can get on a computer and "blog" and rat about anything under the sun, without regard for grammar or diction. So, I'm going to try and pay attention to how and what I am writing more....
Tomorrow is my Tia's 92 birthday, talk about spending time with family. Her birthday always feels like it closes up my summer...
I don't want summer to end yet. I'm not ready for the end.. so I'm not going to think about that yet.
I'm starting Incarnate Word this fall. I already registered for my classes. Onto another chapter in my life. I want to take university even more seriously than I did community college. I wanna throw my all into it. I hope I don't lose any friends over this. But if I do, well then, they are good support anyway. ;)
I'm nervous. But I know all my hard work will be paying off soon... I want to study abroad.
I thank God for giving me so many opportunities and I'd like to pat myself on the back a lil' bit for accepting and seizing them.
So, sorry to tell you Blogspot, but I am going to use and ABUSE the hell out of you
(Hopefully daily!) until school and work starts back up. hehe
I guess I'll leave you with this very personal poem. Cuz you're a good ear. :)
...

I can’t lay here and let you whisper in my ear these sweet nothings

I can’t stand to feel your breath against my neck when you sleep

I can’t stand when I put my foot in between your legs so I can feel you next to me

I can’t let my fingertips run across your palms over and over again

Tracing out the thoughts in my head that I wish to tell you

I can’t stand the smell of your Burberry cologne on my clothes the next day,

so similar to the smell of raw wood… that strangely drives me a lil’ mad and sad all at once

I can’t stand the way we lay

…Side by side

As if I was really yours and you were really mine.

Madam @ Blogspot

"It says this love isn't good unless... it's me and you."
I always thought it said, "This love isn't gonna last."

That sums up my perception on all my past relationships.
It doesn't hurt anymore like it use to though, it's just how things were
... and then how I perceived them.
Es la vida verdad?


I'm ready to get a job where I can be myself for the summer and bank it.
I wanna get at least two of the tats that I want this summer and I want my nose pierced (for the
3rd time..) haha
but this time there will be a hoop.

Love you Blogspot.

-Madam @ Blogspot.

This "Intervention" show breaks my heart.
"You turned to the things that killed your blood, your family."
it really breaks my heart.
It hurts to see the people and the families affected by the people that are addicted to these drugs.
This couple already lost two kids before either one turned 30.
Their last child is doing all the drugs that killed his brother and sister.
And you can see how it kills them (his parents) every day.
Mentally. Spiritually. Emotionally. and I'm sure physically.
It must be horrible to tell your own children that you can't believe them because they're always lieing too much, or having to hide your valuables, or knowing they have to constantly check them for markings and make sure they didn't kill themselves.
I'm sure it hurts to be the one addicted. (and I can only imagine)
But can you imagine being the parent to that child?
Whatever their age.
I can only imagine. How it must hurt, because you want to fight your child's battles and hold them and take care of them and not let anything hurt them.
Especially themselves.
But you can't.
The best kind of love in situations like that is just the opposite.
You gotta give that tough love, show them responsibility, show them love yes, but show them they have to be strong.
Because that's the only way they are going to survive and persevere...
is by becoming stronger and making them realize that they really can solve their own problems.
And things do get better. And yes, even they can do this.
...
I think I just realized that I want to work in a rehab at some point in my life...
like seriously.
Good night Blogspot.
You a good friend.
-Madam @ Blogspot

So lately I've been feeling quite womanly.
I feel like I am really getting in touch with myself again.
I don't wanna get all mo on ya an stuff tho'. haha
I've been hanging around with my girlies and trying to learn and understand from the experienced women in my life and talking about more complex issues and ideas.
Today in mass Father talked about Love.
He talked about commitment, sacrifice and fidelity.
He talked about loving one another like God loves us.
I think this message hit me pretty well.
In all aspects of my life, not just the obvious one.
I really wanna baptize my Goddaughter/2nd cousin already.
Yup, she's 4 years old and still not baptized. But what sucks is her father is a nonpracticing Christian... and yet he still doesn't want her to be baptized in the Catholic church.
I'm hoping he'll come around.
Whether or not you believe in Original Sin she could still be baptized with the idea of knowing you are willing give your daughter and her life to God and his teachings and that you accept him as her savior.
Anyways, I've been feeling good lately.
Although, the past recent relationship I have had really has hurt me and is still bothering me.
I know it's because I have not gotten closure.
I am kind of controlling, so I NEED closure.
And I want to apologize (even though I didn't do shit wrong)
haha
Because I need to ask for forgiveness and then I can start forgiving him for being a complete
jackass motherfucker.
You know... he's more willing to fight and argue the fact that he's slutty "friend" is not a slut.
lol
Instead of willing to fight for us.
What kind of shit is that?
That cut me deep.
He's willing to fight for her and her reputation in my eyes (like I really give a fuck to know this girl's true character.... I don't.) but yet not for me and our so called "love"
that we once shared.
He's changed.
And I feel like I'm changing again...
I pray to God it will be for the better.
This week my goal is TO BE NICER to others
and not so sarcastic and uhhhh cold.
I can't help it. I'm only joking!!! lol
But I will try.
Ohhh and I'm nervous about Wednesday... Michelle knows why. haha
Goodnight.
-Madam @ Blogspot

So it's been almost 7 weeks since my last post. (If I did my math right... which I prolly didn't)
and so much has happen since I've last wrote... it could prolly fill the events of the next year to come.
But I'd rather not talk about what has happen er what could have happen.
I read my astrology today when I was kinda stressin' on all I have to do for the next week. Surprisingly, I got some kind of spiritual comfort. The horoscope said that I shouldn't fret on the past er the future but just focus on what's goin on now. It said by doing this I could focus on and tackle any obstacles in my way.
I wanna list some things I am grateful for. I think it would be nice practice.
So here goes:
I am thankful for my best friend Mich and her life, I am thankful for my really fun and crazy job, I am grateful for getting re accepted to Incarnate Word, (haha) thanks Mr.Lara! I am grateful for being (pretty) good on my finances. I am grateful for God and my guardian angels always watching out for me. I'm thankful for forgiving and being forgiven. I am grateful for my girlfriends and independent women surrounding me. I am grateful for education and progression and goin' to a school that overall promotes this kind of growth. I am very grateful that my dance teacher is a down-to-earth strong dancer and woman (and not a snob)... :D
So I guess one thing that I would like to share that has happened in my personal life is... me and the boyfriend that i had (officially) since Dec.2008 have broken up. Yup...
I still don't know what to think about it. It's still a mess in my head and I'm sure if I tried to write it out I'd probably turn this blog into a mess as well.
I know I need to pray on it.
I really do.
My ex has been pulling so many stunts. And I am (obviously) a very vocal person... so imagine how I've been trying to bite my tongue... but shit! It's about to fall off!
So there ya go. It's over with.


In other news I know that I need to keep pushing myself forward academically.
I have been kind just floating along (is the best way I can describe it) with all the little and big events going on in the past couple weeks. But I definitely needa get back on track.
Academics, I just needa finish strong and focus on this last week of school as if my life depended on it.
At home I need to be here more, mentally and physically. I needa do some shit around the house
In my own head and personal personal ass life I really need to have some self love and rejuvenation and shit. I wanna run more and be more physical. But really. Really in truly. I wanna write. I wanna write a poem that will leave my fingertips like the last bullet of a gun. I wanna write a poem like they were the last words spoken of a dying wise soul. I poem that is timeless. Without an end. Without a beginning. It just is. It is me boiled over until there is no more. No liquid not even vapor. Because it will all be written right there. A release of myself.
I really want to. If I could do anything. I would write. Write until I felt the stars dripping out of my pen and exhaustion and no more frustrations pressing in on me.
That's how I wanna write.
But until then, I'm gonna being writing to do lists, wishes, upsets and my many upon many thanks.
Good night Blogspot.
It's time I go back to reality. lol
P.S. My fav author was at my school today. I didn't get to see her but it's all good.
I already saw her, got an autograph, and got completely tongue twisted in front of her @ Trinity Univ. about 5 years ago. haha
Good times.
I forgot how much I miss rambling on. Thank you.
-Madam @ Blogspot

EVERY RICH BITCH IS THERE...








Man, I wanna be a mum like these two ladies with my best friend. haha
ITS GONNA BE GREAT!

Your astrology:

Cut away your ego. Those are steps 1 through 10. Then, clear our heart and your mind.
Practice this over and over. (Very important!) After that, realize where you are.
Be there. (Not the past, or the future, but be happy in your current place in life)
Appreciate it. And finally,also very important, cut away all the ghosts from the past.



Isn't that sweet. Follow it.

Not my wise words, but wise words from an older keener spirit.

Good early... early morning.
No time to write, but of course I have things on my mind. haha
So instead of leaving you with my own thoughts this fine morning I'd rather leave you with some thoughts and poetic words of another. This woman is awesome.
La Bruja:




P.S. God be with you, and may he whisper (or yell.... you know you need it) into your ears.

Wherever you are. <3

Today is SUN-day.
It is so beautiful right now outside.
I just realized I think I want to borrow my boyfriend's video camera and have a video blog.
Like every Friday I can post it up....or maybe on Sunday afternoon.
I want to run and jump and fight and dance!
Let's see the best thing for the weekend....
I think it would of had to have been last night.
The bar we went to was sooo not good.
Haha but we made it good.
We heard some old free style and danced and I snuck in my bottle of Parrot Bay and I kept pouring it in my Spiced Rum and Coke drinks.
haha
Then I claimed to be Nick's sister (Stephanie) girlfriend and completely cock blocked her.
haha
SORRY STEPH.
Crowd was definitely wack. I felt like I was at the skating ring for damn sure.
hah.
But I enjoyed myself with Nick and Stephanie and got pretty tipsy towards the end of the night.
I threatened to fuck some guys up at the Valero with Jake's plastic baseball bat. (He's 7)
haha.
So that was pretty sweet....
Once we got home I ran to the bed and Nicky took care of me like usual. hehe
(NOT LIKE THAT SICKO!)
I mean he tucked me in to bed.
Yep. Yep.
I really want to go downtown right now. Please someone get me outta of the slums of the suburbs.
LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

Madam @ Blogspot

The other day I was driving in the car with my baby.
The sun was going down and we had the music turned all the way up!!
(Something we don't usually do unless it's the weekend...)
And as we were bobbin' around and singing along to the song and rollin' round corners
I looked out at the leaves and the thin limbs of the trees blowing in and out of the breeze
and I noticed the beautiful orange red sky in the background peeking its head out for the last couple of minutes.
We pulled up into the driveway and Nick paused, with the endless trail of smoke curling from his mouth while he enjoyed the moment with me.
I grabbed my purple zebra print rag and thought about it for a moment and then threw it over his dipstick. haha
As soon as I did that it's liked something in me clicked.
You know when you get that moment of realization and it feels as though your whole body flies backwards and you're able to look at the situation from, literally, a bigger picture?
Well that's what happened.
I was like, "Ohmygod, this is how my ancestors felt probably... taking that rag, that piece of fabric and just laying it in that one spot.
And thinking...
BAM!
This is MY spot. THIS is me.
And nobody better ever try and claim it over me. Cuz it's mine."
hah.
Only, Nick is not an IT.
lol
But you know what I mean, that I would like to put in work.
That I would like to call him mine again.
To reclaim my spot, be proud of it and protect it.
I love feeling that sense of my inner warrior come out in me.
Even if it's just for a split second like that.
It makes me feel like I am a human being again. I am a humbled human being. A natural creature of the Earth.
And my ancestors are me and I am them.
...Even if it's just for a split second like that....

-Madam @ Blogspot

FUCKKKKK YES..... (pardon my pirate language) :D

“You have been given a direct order to rock the fuck out. Rock out like you were just given the last rock and roll record on earth and the minutes are counting down to flames. Rock out like you just won both showcase showdowns. Rock out like the streets are empty except for you, your bicycle and your headphones. Rock out like your lips, which are placed onto a breakdancing muse with legs that go all the way up. Rock out like Publisher’s Clearinghouse is ringing your front door. Rock out like you’ll never have to open a textbook again. Rock out like you get paid to disturb the peace. Rock out like music is all that you got. Rock out like you’re standing on a rooftop and the city’s as loud and glowing as a river flowing below you. Rock out like the plane is going down, there are 120 people on board, and 121 parachutes. Rock out like the streets and the books are all on fire and the only way it can be extinguished is by doin’ the electric slide. Rock out like it’s Saturday afternoon and Monday is a national holiday. Rock out like somebody’s got a barrel pointed at your temple saying “Rock out like your life depended on it, fool,” because it does. Rock out like your eyes are fading but you still got your ears. But you don’t know for how long so rock out like 5 o’clock time, make pop-and-lock time. Rock out like you got pants full of tokens and nothing to do but everything. Rock out like you are the international ski-ball champion of the entire universe. Rock out like you just escaped an evil orphanage to join a Russian circus. Rock out like your hero is fallen and you are spinning your limbs until they burst into a burning fire of remembrance. Rock out like you’re enslaved in the South and dancing is all that you have to know who you are. Rock out like your dead grandfather just came back to take a drive with you in your brand new car. Rock out like the table is full. Rock out like the neighbours are away. Rock out like the walls won’t fall but, but dammit, you’re going to die trying to make them. Rock out like the stereo’s volume knob is the figure 8 of infinity instead of merely numbers. Rock out like it’s raining outside and you’ve got a girl to run through it with. Rock out like you’re playing football! Football in the mud and your washing machine is not broken. Rock out like you threw your window open on your honeymoon because you want the whole world to know what love is. Rock out like you just got a book published. Rock out like you just went to your high school reunion to find out everyone, even the women, are all overweight and bald, except for the former homecoming queen, who you just found out, got divorced from her impotent husband and only has eyes for.. YOU! Rock out like you just got a date with Heidi Klum. Rock out like a shadow man passes behind you, drops you to your knees. You’re buckling in sweat, cold metal’s pushed to your forehead, the trigger’s pulled and the gun jams. Rock out like you got an empty appointment book, and a full tank of gas. Rock out like Jimi has returned carrying brand new guitar strings. Rock out like the mangos are in season. Rock out like the record player won’t skip. Rock out like this was the last weekend, like these were the last words, like you don’t ever want to forget how.”
— Anis Mojgani

I went to church on Sunday by myself.
I looked like a grandma. hah
I wore my glasses, almost no makeup my black slip under a long navy blue dress and a black sweater.
You member that movie with Will Smith and Eva Mendez where he meets her in a bar and she's in glasses reading a book and looking all tired....and he goes up to her and tells her she might as well be wearing a sign on her forehead that says fuck off? (I think its called Hitch??)
...Well yea, thats how I wanted to appear in church, especially since I was alone.
Well either way I went to pray and ask for guidance and strength to do the things in my heart that I know I need to do.
And put my prayers in a petition box.
I read an excerpt of a book after mass that they had in the chapel and it talked about forgiveness.
And how you have to forgive yourself for any mistakes or regrets you have made in life, that is the most important.
Then, you need to forgive those who have hurt you.
Whether it may be big trespasses or small.
Well I know I have some sorries to pass around and that I think I'm already dealing with that part pretty good. : )
But it's the forgiving others part....thats the hard part.
I aked God to help me to do that, especially one person in particular.
To forgive people and for me to remember that they are human and they make mistakes
and no human can ever be there for you and understand you all the time and there can never be that perfect love.
The only perfect love is that which God gives us.
So forgiving others in hurting me and realizing its not all about me and how I feel.
But that they are probably hurting too.
That they are maybe making the decisions they make because they are confused or unsure.
This is not about one person, but a few.
I guess I just need to remind myself that as long as people try and progress and be better
that they are good and especially when they are stuck they need the help of the people that love them.
And I guess reminding myself of that might make it a little easier to forgive.
As well as continusly praying.
Constantly.
As well as knowing that there are people and things worth fighting for and trying for.
And I know that I am strong and that I am a fighter.
Well needless to say mass was really good to me.
And the lady that gave me the wine looked at me and said."Ohmygod you are beautiful."
It really touched me. Shit almost made me cry.
Because when she said it, I felt as if she was looking into me not at me.
.....
Well I guess now I just need to work on those things as well as taking care of myself.
Yup. Yup. (No back steppin')
Today is a beautiful beautiful day. Enjoy the shit out of it! haha
El Fin.

-Madam @ Blogspot

I know I'm not getting any younger. I really do.
And I know I'm not old either. lol
I wish I could just "bomb"/paint everything in town with a nice flat black outline and a "ballet slipper" pink fill. That would be the sweetest thing ever.
Honestly.
Ohh Sigh....
I should of just done it when I had the idea, when I was like 17.
Damnit for being a pussy.
hah.

On the other hand, Apex is fucking tight. And fuck that eastide "community board" of whatever the fuck they called themselves for white walling the whole damn underpass where Apex came through during Clogged Caps a couple years back. They should have been worrying more about all the drugs and shootings in their own neighborhood instead of some paint on the walls that actually looked better than anything on that side of town. Idiots!! hah.

By the way, today is fucking FRIDAY! Hell yeah. Gots lots of shit to do. Should get started!


Have a badass day and fuck the weather! haha

-Madam @Blogspot.

I don't really have much to say today.
Besides my day to day.
Plus, I'm watching a good movie on LMN "The Ron Clark Story"
kinda like dangerous minds... but with 6th graders. lol
Great so far.
WATCH IT NOW!
It's so inspiring! And makes me want to just to better as a teacher and Molder of Minds
:D

And here's some inspiration I'd like to pass on to you for the night:
To have beautiful dreams tonight and even better ones tomorrow morning. :)



-Madam @ Blogspot

Jasmin(Hera)from the German graffiti duo, Herakut.


She came this past summer to Clogged Caps. It's refreshing to see a girl getting down... but not only that, she still looks good doing it. She doesn't have to be all bombered out in Baby Phat. lol She was a cool girl and not only did she take a flick with me she also signed my wallet. (Which was busted as fuck) haha

I'll be posting more pics from Clogged Caps here in SA soon. :)

Have a good day ma babies.

Today I need to concentrate on me.
I have work and today's lesson is English!! Yeah!
Then, right after work I have dance class again. Thank God for movin my body.
Some goals for this week are:
-Look for a gym to join
- get a haircut (find out where Briana is working now)
-hit up my dad for money. CHA CHING! ha (thats what he gets)
-go grocery shopping.
- Get paid!!
-Download Photoshop C4... or whatever the fuck it's called
-Get my finances in order
-Pay on the credit cards.
-CLEAN MY DAMN ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well guess I should get started. haha
Here's to today!
SALUTE!

Can't fucking wait til I go to Chicago!!!
I am so stoked on it. Sorry babe we are not goin back to Philly! That place is shitty as fuck and nasty as hell. Bathrooms that smell like stale heroin and crackheads walking around like the streets are their candy store,...and in a sense they are. Either way yes the Magik Gardens were awesome and the capital building and the nice long walk we took....oh and the meter ladies. Those bitches. But Chicago, I think, is gonna be hella nicer,...plus there's gonna be the same amount of Mexicans there as there is here. haha So we'll feel right at home. :D

Maestro Knows - Episode 3 (Ibn Jasper) from Maestro Knows on Vimeo.

Going to dance class right now! Ahh yes....dance away all my frustations, anger, madness, annoyance. I'm gonna dance until it hurts and push myself the most I can today! :D