So. He told me that he felt like the Kiss of Death sometimes, because every job he's ever had he's been on staff to close down the company, whether it be a school or a store. I thought this was interesting, and being an English major that pays close attention to metaphors and symbolism as well as a Catholic, who thinks everything happens for a reason, thought that his position in his jobs also served a purpose in his life. I don't think he ever thought about it like that.
I could not let go of the idea. I thought, well, what is it about closing something down? It's the final, permanence of something. There is the taking everything down and boxing up and giving back to the merchandisers, the goodbyes to the patrons, customers and co-workers. There is this process of letting go. There is no "ifs" "and" or "buts" about it. It is a final decision from corporate or the head of the company. The employee must go along with this decision and go through the closing process. I think this is a strong visual. The closing of a store. The signs that read, "5 more Days til' Close" or "Everything Must Go".
I then thought, I think these positions were given to my friend as a learning process. God gave him this job at this point, to show him the process of letting go. I think this assumption is accurate because my friend seems to have a very hard time of letting go. I don't think he realizes that God is trying to show him how to let go. But he is. He is showing him how you let go both in a physical and mental sense.
I do not know what has happened in my friend's life that he cannot let go of past pains and hurts. But I really wish he would because I know those memories hurt him.
I wrote this blog thinking I would delve deeper into some kind of truth but I already knew this answer. God knows whats best for us. We just have to make ourselves more aware of what he is doing for us, rather than spending our thoughts or energy on negativity.
I know I can probably do that more as well.
As for my friend. I really hope that all that hurts him, he will soon let go of. I hate to see people I care about hurt.

Until later,
Madam @ Blogspot

Loyalty.
I've been thinking a lot about it lately.
What is it really? Yes, meaning that you stand by someone, but to what degree? To what extend? This is something that I am currently trying to weigh out. Some, are a no-brainer, yes. Like for instance: when you promise someone exclusivity and then you sleep with another person and don't tell. Easy right? That's disloyalty.
Now, how about something a little more complex? You and a friend decide on two places that you really want to go in the city, and have not been able to in a long time. You get caught up because of family issues and your friend still goes... with all your other friends.
Now, mind you, this is my best friend, and I have her back on almost everything. I say almost because some situations she gets herself involved in, I cannot have her back on.
To top it off, the previous day she had decided she did not want to go because she was sad about an old friend passing. I understood. No questions asked. This situation may not seem like much, but my feeling were hurt that they went without me and did not even question to see if I was available yet.
Bottom line, this past events have me questioning loyalty. I know that I am loyal. I will be there for those I care about as much as possible. I would miss work, school and deadlines if my friends were in dire need. I would also be there just if they needed an ear.
Is it so much to ask for the same thing in return?
I really don't think so.
A friend told me not to let it hurt me so much. But I cannot help it. I don't like let people slack on the expectations I have for them... because I hold myself to those same expectations.
I don't know. I might be being a little bit dramatic or sensitive with my best friend.
However, loyalty is something that I do not take lightly.
So, here's to not being so hard on others that do not share the same sense of loyalty as me.
And here's to questioning others motives and to what degree of loyalty they are going to have for me. I wonder of their answer (if it is honest) will affect how loyal I am to them....
I'll come back with some answers later....
I hate revising or editng. Sorry, I'm being extra lazy today.

Madam@Blogspot

I have been absent to my blog.
I have been absent for a while.
I am back now, through the grace of God.
I am currently trying to focus on what is truly important in my life.
One of the things that I want to begin to hold on the top of my list of priorities is my writing and reading.
I want to continually write and try to improve my writing over the course of the summer.
I think it is essential to my progression as a writer. I intend on writing in my journal and here, on my blog, also possibly maybe, on napkins, envelopes and on my computer notepad. lol
I want to read a few different books that I have been wanting to get my hands on for a while now.
In no particular order:
The Art of War
100 years of Solitude (and more by this author)
Borderlands
The Notes of The Underground
some of the poets and writers from the Lost Generation
The Great Gatsby
The Sun Also Rises
On the Road
The Kama Sutra
some of Rumi's works
La Raza Cosmica
more stuff by Edward Said...
and that's the list for now.
I've probably left some other major ones out, but those are the ones off the top of my head.
I really want to focus on the important things in my life.
The only thing that alcohol has done for me since I was 17 years old has been to lessen my judgment on situations and sense of logic, kept me in bed for hours with headaches, more calories, wasted time, some regrets.
I want to focus on something higher than where I have been.
I feel like I am actually letting this change happen, this metamorphosis, and I'm excited.
In regards to a "relationship" well of course, what I forecast would happen did happen. But, I'm not as hurt as I thought I would be.
I would do it again, because I came out of the situation very much enlightened, with my help and actually some of his. And for that I am extremely happy and grateful.
I also need to get a job within the next week. Godwillingly, somewhere fun for me and also good for my career/future.

Until later,

Madam @ Blogspot

It's not about if you like the same drink concoctions
or if you enjoy the same song
or if you eyes get entranced when you talk.
It's not even about if you both dig the same lines of poetry.
It's about whether you both believe in seeking truth.
In the power of love and compassion.
And the progression of the human race.
It's about if you share the same inner beliefs. Materialistic ideals aside. Sociological constraints aside. If you and him share the same morals and virtues and love for your family and your friends.
Then, you are truly GOLDEN.

I feel like , overall, I have been every man/boy/dudes Saving Grace that I have encountered in my romantic life. For once in my life I would love to know what if feels like to be the one who is being "saved". To be the one who is held at night and kissed on the back of the neck. For his arms to wrap around me, instead of it being the other way around. I would like this, even if it's just for a little while. I'm not asking for a man to come and swoop me up and baby me. It would just be nice though, for a man to have enough security and confidence that is deep enough to show me that he can hold it down, emotionally. That ability goes so much deeper than any financial wealth or good appearance a man could possess. So yeah, hold me at night and kiss my neck, whisper in my ear carinos and do not be afraid to do so. Hold me and tell me that you got my back... no matter what. Cause' I got yours. <3

I would turn my insides out just so I can show you what I'm about.

Having a child shouldn't make you a woman...

This theme is far too common in my city. I want to change that.

"Far too many woman can say they're mothers, and can't say they're are wives."

Lord, please help me to change this one day, starting here.

"Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head.
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that."

Dear God,

We are going to celebrate the resurrection of your son tomorrow, this is the most important reason for celebrating Easter. Thank you for always believing in me, even at the times that I am the weakest, and cannot believe in myself. You will always be my main man. I love you. Thank you.

Keeping in my mind the fact that I am always trying to observe my surroundings and the people that I am either directly or indirectly affected by, I have decided a few things... and I KNOW that we cannot control everything... but... it is MY PRAYER, that if I ever get married or have a child with a man before I am married (which I REALLY hope I do not) I hope that me AND that man try everything in our power to try and work out our relationship. Not just one of us, but both.
I have lived in a broken family and have had nothing but women/mothers be the constant amongst my family and group of friends. For my mom, it was her dad that held it down. And nowadays, it is commonplace to call the father the "babydaddy" and the mother the "baby mama" and it is far too often that the mothers are usually associated with giving that "drama" and the fathers being "deadbeats". And yes, these could both be a possibility in some cases, but I do not want to conform to these practices, no matter how much of a social norm they have or will become.

If I ever decide to take the "plunge" I want to know that I will be creating a family, even if it is just me and my husband. I am willing to put in work. And it is my prayer that if I ever do find a man that I would be willing to consider a husband, that that is what he will be. And what he will remain. Because I promise I will. Some may call me old fashion or unrealistic, but this my prayer.

Even if it's a prayer for the far away future...

Love you God,

Carol

Note to self: Discuss later a few things...

Celebrating the Thai New Year
Letting Go
Moving Forward
Possibly me actually moving this Fall or Spring
Defining what I actually call a friend
Never losing sight of what I am working and slacking so hard on
Learning new religions
Not falling
Keeping focused
Seeing things from a mile away and maybe making the RIGHT decision for once
STAYING Focused
Why I think one of the biggest things we need to teach children, in this day and age, is self-control
Satisfying that hunger that goes so mucher deeper than thought of food or water
Knowing that true creativity and inspiration doesn't come from doing drugs or getting your heart broken
Knowing that most people who do drugs are self-medicating
this goes for those who abuse alcohol as well
and finally
letting go of procrastination
working on a better communication
and always trying to work towards progressing.
LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

I want to release everything that I possess
And I want you to watch me create fireworks
From my works.
I want to see you back me up with your melodic thoughts and the vibrations of the music that flows from your hands.
I want to create beautiful things with you.
And I want to enjoy simple pleasures with you
...those mean the most.
I don't know if you can see it or not.
But, playing your violin, my hair a mess, in your dimly lit room, while I was wearing the shirt you got me that had your band's name printed across the front,
and only that... is now one of my favorite memories we've shared thus far.
And the fact that you took me to a temple to visit with monks, a sacred place, and how open you were to whatever they had to offer, well that says a lot about you, as a person and as a man, more specifically a Mexican man.
Well, basically, you don't seize to impress and intrigue me.
You're great.
I must say it simply, because it is so true it does not require any romanticized words.
You're great.
And I thought you knew it.
But I think I'm coming to realize you don't.
And I don't mind telling you on the daily.
In fact, I want to
while kissing your eyelids.
Left first. Then right.

<3

I haven't felt this good in a while. It's coming back to me, that feeling of being able to accomplish things. Little or big.
I'm starting off slow and it feels grand.
I love to get things done and to progress. Even if it's just a slight change, as long as I know it's for the better, then I feel better about myself.
I am happy.
I know that I still have lots to work on as an individual…it's just I feel like I'm always going to miss out on celebrating my youth.
I know the two questions I have to ask myself are:
1. Is having fun and being silly and going out and dancing and having little adventures as important as progressing and developing my knowledge and academic goals?
and
2. What's more important, the people that I want to help after I help myself? Or just making sure that I don't miss out on being young?
I know. I know.
I'm still a work in progress. I know I always will be, but by this, I mean that I am still trying to better myself in order to help anyone else. I need to stay focused. Just until May.
Then, summer. And I MUST get a job and take a dance and math course this summer, speaking (typing) of which, registration is on Friday! :O
Must call tomorrow....
Well, I'm delirious and so ready for bed. Night Blogspot. ;)

Madam@Blogspot

I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but I'll drop you in a second if I find out you have disrespected me.

Te promete.

Writing lines of poetry that are so real they turn into the lyrics from the ballad playing within my heart.
It is said that your soul is a microscopic piece.
But I would gladly break it into two.
One piece to keep for myself and once piece to
give to you.
And the ballad is playing on and on...
And, one day, I hope you can hear.
Lay your ear
Against my chest.
And sing the missing tune that has yet to be professed.

I have so much that I want to write about. I don't know where to begin.
I guess I'll just let it flow out in whatever order. I got to meet some Hare Krishna monks, attempt to play a violin, enjoyed friends, and different adventure and experiences. I have also been gathering so much information and learning from my schooling. My Great Depression class has taught me so much about the time period; the people, how people can operate in a time of desperation, and how some will stay good, honest and loyal, and others can become corrupted. It also sparks up issues of social justice and how we, as a human race, still have a long way to go to become better beings and images of God. My Prayer and Spiritually class has been great too. I'm not learning from the text but more so from my professor as a person and from questions that arise from my own personal experiences, especially when she asks us to put ourselves underneath a microscope in order to learn more about ourselves. Arabian Literature has provided me with beautiful readings and a connection between my culture and a culture a half a world away. It's been great. My professor for my Foundations of Education class has been such an inspiration to me. I witnessed her get her doctoral degree and her teachings not only about the course but about life in general have been beneficial to me as a woman, as a future educator, and as a person who has come from not such a fashionable background. Unfortunately, she is moving after this semester. Sucks, because I would have definitely chose her as my mentor. :(
Nonetheless, I have been having some trouble focusing. I always have this problem at the end of the semsters... so this is my prayer Lord… that you can help me out to not become distracted or discouraged. I want to finish out strong.
In the way of the other sex... well, let's just say, I'm gonna try and take it slow have good experiences, learn about who they are, and what not. I know I must not let myself become too attached. It's just that feeling... that you feel in every bone in your body...ha... that tells you so.
In regards to friends and family, I love my best friend and I thank God for always having her back and giving her life and I thank her for beginning to seize opportunities. My other good friend, Sabrina has been a new blessing in my lfe and I know I will learn a lot from her.
I'm still on a journey. I think that's what this life is. So please, I may fall and make mistakes... and some I know better about. But please, don't give up on me. One Love.
P.S. God be with Destiny Saenz, may the Holy Spirit come down and tell that girl she needs to

wake up already.

Madam@Blogspot

Sometimes that feeling creeps back. And that feeling is stronger than any bad memory we ever created together. I feel that same nostalgia, where my heart feels warm and content and alone all at once. And I miss you.
I always have to take control of myself before I let that feeling consume me. Because even now, the pain can still seep in. I loved you. Like a revolution. Like few could understand. But you loved me back just as much. And to describe it this way is not to exaggerate.
We were not meant to be in love though. We were not created to love each other like that. When we left each other we both cried, knowing it was the best thing that we could do for the other one. And you told me, never half-step. And for you, I never wanted to. You made me feel like I could do everything and nothing all at once.
I am glad that I have forgave you. I am glad that I have forgiven myself. I hope you have forgiven me. And maybe in another life we can try this little dance out again.
<3

I have goals and dreams and plans to go somewhere in this life. I hope you do too...
Life is beautiful. Never doubt that.
Note to self: read over second part from time to time. Seriously.

"I wanna live life and never be cruel. I wanna live life and be good to you. And I wanna fly and never come down. And live my life and have friends around."
<3

I hate it when the truth comes to you and smacks you upside the head, even when you really just want to turn the other cheek into a pseudo oblivion.

Ughhhhhh.

I'm ready for Spring to engulf me and sweep me away into summer. <3

Sometimes, in very rare and random instances, I feel like I have truly found what I encompass within myself and can relate what I possess with tangible material items or ideas. It's at these moments that I feel content and whole and as though I am meant to be. And it is at these moments that I feel like I have truly uncovered myself and I feel it is all worthwhile. Before I die, I hope that these moments come more often and with more fluidity.

I want to do Ballet again. So bad.
Ughhhhhh. That feeling I would get after class was sooooooo good! And feminine.
I must get in a class. ASAP.
Damnit.

Madam@Blogspot

Prayer and Spirituality Class:

We have been learning about the different disciplines practiced mostly in the Western world and more specifically, Christian religions. Although I wanted my religion class to introduce different religions and cultures to me, ones that I have yet to learn about, this class is still good. Anyways, the discipline that we reviewed yesterday was confession. The team that was assigned to present the topic had a Power Point presentation and then had an exercise to follow. This was more interesting than I thought it would be. The team encouraged the class to write down something that they want to confess and then throw it away in front of the class, in hopes that it may allow some kind of release. However, if the person wanted, they can share what they were confessing and releasing. I thought this would make it more fun. But it not only did that, it also made it that much more real... to everyone.
I decided to not only go throw my "confession" away but I also announced it to the class. I told them, that I still I find myself spending time with people that have bad habits, negative energy and that I feel in my heart I should not associate myself with. Some people nodded in agreement or grunted.
It was definitely a release. It felt good to confess that to my peers. The other thing that I noticed, and I thought it would be subtle, however it was completely apparent, was that by confessing this; I was telling my peers I knew it was wrong and I feel/felt like I was letting them hold me accountable for those actions and decisions I had made.
I know how much time I am spending in the attempt of bettering myself, whether it be my academic education, my current occupation, or just trying to personally work on myself. And sometimes I let my decisions and actions contradict all my practices. However, through these past months, especially since the beginning of the new year I can honestly say I have not spent my time with negative people. I told myself, when I learned it years ago, that the only way I will spend time with someone who is troubled, is if I am helping them in some way. Whether it be a good ear, a healthy conversation or to really help them work on themselves. I do not want to participate in their silly endeavors because I know how they will turn out and I definitely can not have a romantic relationship with men like that because they do not know how to have a healthy relationship. I will always continue to try and live my life with these beliefs, and if you see me slacking, I would love for you to call me out on it.

P.S. Common themes in my life lately:

The power of prayer, the power of unity (friends and fam), respect, not having to prove or justify yourself to someone else (especially if they are malicious aka haters. ha), and having self control.

All of these things have been congruent in all different areas of my daily life.

Sorry I always write too much,
Madam @ Blogspot

This past week was utterly amazing. Let me begin with a disclaimer, this is not one of those, "My Life is So Amazing and Better than Yours... blah blah blah" posts. Haha. No, this is more like, "I Am So Blessed to have These Amazing People and Experiences In My Life" posts. lol
I had such a busy and PRODUCTIVE week last week, in the way of school AND work. And thoroughly enjoyed both. I got a lot done and stayed awake into the wee hours of the morning writing, reading, critiquing, researching, and designing. It felt good. I got to spend family time and time with great friends. I really love the good people I have surrounded myself with.
This past weekend was great too. I got in much needed sleep on Friday night and woke in the morning to good music and my best friend throwing the invite to SA's new outdoor Flea Market (I HATE that it's called a FLEA market. haha) I spent time with her and her mom. I love spending time with other people and their family. I think it's because I like to see them spend time together (lame, I know. haha) Then, our friend Eva came over and we had a girl's night with NO booze. Crazy? I know right. haha We played pool and had girl talk and it was really... nice. Like a sigh of relief or something.
Then today, I went with a friend of mine, whom I know enjoys art as much as I do, to a local art tour here in town called "On and Off Fred" It was really neat. It's one of those tours that take up like 2 days though. lol We got to visit a few though. I like walking in and out of the studios, all with such different vibes, different people, different cultures. But all of them creating. It was refreshing and not the usual scene. I enjoy my peers and being young and acting dumb, silly and tipsy. But, I will ALWAYS love progression, good vibes, real people doing real shit and those that are constantly creating and producing. They'll always have mad respect from me. So yeah, obviously, I had a nice time and I'm glad I got to spend it with a friend that has such an open ,ind to art. I hate being with snobs that are really good at art, they ALWAYS have TOO MUCH of an opinion. haha They can't just take it in...
I ended the weekend with spending the evening with other great friends in commemoration of a friend, Marcus' birthday, my friend Eva's old best friend and boyfriend, that past away. We went to eat and be together, in his honor. I was not very close to him. But I could tell that he had a good soul. He was a good young man. I'm glad that we still get together to celebrate his life. I'll end this post with a memory: One late night, after leaving a party, I was standing in the street with my ex (Nick), my friend Maria, Lauren and Marcus. We were talking about New York and traveling and then for some reason we all looked into the night's sky at the same time. At that very moment we saw a shooting star. We got excited and asked the other if they had seen it too. We jumped up, laughed and did high fives all around. It was cool, just to experience something like that. Something cosmic and celestial. It was a beautiful feeling. At that moment I felt my youth and the good vibes that were transferred between all of us. I know Marcus was a good young man and I'm glad that my friend Eva was able to share time with him during her lifetime.
Rest In Peace Marcus and look over Eva, if you may... You'll always be remembered. :)

Madam @ Blogspot

I am breathing
living
inhaling
exhaling
just a working system
within a working system

i do not want to be a pattern
in a perfect circle, 360 degrees
i do not want to be confined
i do not want to spread my wings

i am breathing
living
inhaling
exhaling

but I want to be without a rhyme
without any sequential method
i want to be odd
and outdated
i do not want to be random.
i want to be something different.
i do not want to be in the outer parts of your society
i do not even want to be in a society

i want to breathe on my own accord.
i want to be
however i feel
at any given time and moment
and not let measurements of time or the falling of the sun and rising of the moon affect what i do with myself.
i do not want a GPA to define the inner workings of my mind
I do not want this religious institution to define how well my spirit is.
I want to decide my own holy conversations with my heavenly Father.
I wan to breath on my own accord.

I want to be.
However I feel.
At any given moment.

Madam @ Blogspot

I trusted him with things that I trust very, very few with: my heart (unguarded), my digital camera, and my money.

It was interesting.

One day while in conversation, I told a guy to quit agreeing with me. He said something a long the lines of, "Quit saying things I agree with." I proceeded in speaking about God (a hazy issue for some). I told him that the only love that is never ending and can truly fill you is God's love.
Yeah, he disagreed.
That makes me sad for not only him but also all those who don't believe my statement either.
They will never experience such an unwavering and filling love, and will always depend on another human being for it. Which in reality, no human can provide. It's not a sad reality, just a true one. We all simply have our own agendas.

Madam@Blogpost

some say i am tainted. jaded even. i am not. im just a realist. i love life for what it is. i just know how men can be. that does not make me jaded. it makes me strong as a woman and sometimes men can find that quality intimidating.

I have really been enjoying my class, Literature and Art of the Great Depression. We read about 90-100 pages a night and then discuss what we read. It is a seminar based class, so most of your learning comes from discussion with classmates and the professor. I really like that we can all discuss our thoughts and get into some deep convos about the text. It isn't all Power Point presentations and lecture from the professor. It's varying perspectives and analysis' of the readings thatis guided by our teacher. I like it a lot. I haven't really sat and enjoyed reading this much in a looooong time. It is very fulfilling and refreshing. I feel like I am really going to learn a lot in this class, by not only improving my critical thinking but also flirting with differnt view points, constantly. As far as my other classes, Prayer and Spirituality is going well. I repsect the teacher and her mission. I think I will gather more from her as a person than I will from the class. I do like that this class gets students thinking about spiritualty, in our American culture we are often cultivated to shy away from any type of conversation on spiritually or religion or learning about our inner self. This class brings about these types of convos daily. This makes me happy because spiritally and a good, strong connection between a person and God is very important to me. It makes a person more whole. Well, enough of my ranting. I must go. Sorry, no time to edit or revise. Please forgive me. :)

Madam @ Blogspot

I love life.
that is all

This evening I saw a large decal of the Virgen de Guadalupe covering the back window of an SUV that was driving next to us. It brought a very strong sense of nostalgia, which for me, is a rush of very saddening and very happy emotions all at once. It reminded me of my childhood and growing up on the west side. It reminded me of Burbank High school and winter nights and loud car stereos booming through la calle at night. To me, this decal represented a sense of pride in a heritage. In my heritage. It not only made me proud of the owner of this vehicle and their family but it also made me happy for my own family. To have the Virgen displayed on your car for the world to see makes me happy. I'll be always be reminded of my past when I see this Catholic symbol displayed anywhere, but especially on some one's car. Viva la raza.

Madam @ Blogspot.

I miss that old feeling I use to have. I felt like a dreamer. I miss the nights that I drank wine more than anything and I didn't know what it was to feel the true pain of love yet. I thought I ruled everything. I barely had to move and I felt like I was coming down in waves wherever I was. I felt like a queen when I walked into a room. I felt like I had this amazing future in the spot lights. The energy and feeling that use to resonate within me was beyond amazing.
...
I need to get that feeling back. I still feel it at times, but I want to FEEL it, in my everyday, and I know its up to me. I have been sitting still too much. Literally. I need to get up and move and inhale some creativity. I want to be my own muse. My own inspiration. I need to worry less about social networks and "status updates" and "comments" and where the local drink specials are and get on with life, cuz I really do feel like I'm letting it pass me by.
With the possibility of sounding like a cocky asshole, I know it, and I feel it in my bones that I am meant for something greater and bigger than this life... and this is because I am willing to let God use me as his vessel. I just hope that I don't sabotage myself.
Always a good ear.

Night Blogspot,

Madam@Blogspot

You just gotta do you, every damn day.

I told myself that I am on strike from dating or even really getting to know a guy, past being a friend, at least for the rest of this semester. At first I thought I would be lonely or it would be hard for me. However, the more I throw myself into my studies and school work and try to develop good friendships, I find myself noticing the fact less and less. It's not that I am going to turn my back on a good guy. I won't try to, but I am definitely not going to waste my time or energy on someone who is disrespectful, dishonest, or insecure. I know that I work too hard in order not to possess these qualities to subject myself to someone who does. On that note, I am not perfect; I know that and am willing to admit it. I can be pretentious at times and self indulgent go figure. haha But I really intend to keep to word on this one. The people that matter the most in my life are: my family, my close friends, mostly female, old friends who are like fam, my students, and my professors and mentors. These are all people that I am willing to put work in for, for different reasons, but all of the reasons being valid and sound. I wouldn't have it any other way. This is not a choice out of bitterness; on the contrary, it comes from a good and progressive place within me. So this is my prayer, that I do not talk to any male unless he has a soul and intentions as good as mine.

Madam@Blogspot

Okay, so I cheated. haha
I took this picture last time I went to New York. I need to upload the pictures from the most recent trip (I’m an expert at procrastination.) When I took this trip I was still trippin' on very illogical ideas and notions, because of that I thought at the time I could NEVER keep up with the hustle and bustle of the city and at times in my trip I was very overwhelmed.
Now, going back with a clear head, I not only thoroughly enjoyed the visit I was also able to embrace the city and everything it had to offer. I always have different perspectives of NYC (this was my fourth trip since I was 10.) Which makes sense; I don't think one ever gets the same perspective when they revisit something. This time it was from the angle of being a young woman with young hopes and dreams tumbling around in my head. I know people walk away with varying ideas on the city but mine, this time, was that I was very inspired. In San Antonio I feel like a lot of things are handed to us. In New York City however, one must get up and go for whatever it is that they want. I love that! The energy in the city is spectacular and never ending. This time getting to meet and converse with some of the locals, I observed they are a very determined bunch, for the most part; this was so invigorating for me! Well, now, I could see myself living there, God willingly when I graduate. One more thing that I would like to say is I noticed I tried to strip away any stereotypes I had of NYC before visiting and also tried to make myself see and feel it as though this way my own city, not so much in a physical sense but more so the way I interpreted it, if that makes any sense. By doing this it helped me to not feel intimidated by anything and thus places and people seemed much more relatable and less foreign to me. This, I believe also helped me to embrace everything that much more. I think I'm REALLY going to have to do that with my next trip I'm taking. I'm really excited for my next trip, which will be international, and I am determined to live my life without letting anxiety get in my way because sometimes I know it can.
Getting back to my New York trip, it was a success and I came back feeling so inspired... something else I came back with was the awareness of how petty some things I left behind in my city were. There is a world out there that is offering me and everyone else SO MUCH opportunity for learning and DOING and we must seize it and spread love.